It has been a while ...

I came here today and realised how long it had been ... not because my Dad has not been in my thoughts but because life has been rather full on. I have had had three primary cancers in this past year ... it has been quite a ride I can tell you! I have started to blog about it here if you want to have a look ...


http://cancersurvivorwithagratefulheart.blogspot.co.uk/


It is an attempt to blog honestly about cancer, surviving it and keeping a positive attitude and hope.


Well Dad, you know that I have missed you more than ever this past year. I needed your tight bear hugs, I needed your strength and your wisdom. I needed you to hold my hand and make me feel like it would be all right. But you know, I still felt you walking with me over this past year ... I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to think I was getting through as well as I could. I have thought of you so often, when I was in pain I remembered all the times you felt miserable and was grumpy with us, but I understand now, it is hard to be jolly when your body is aching.


When I went down for my first surgery over a year a go all I could think of was how your surgery went wrong, I melted down just as they were putting me to sleep, sure I wouldn't wake up ... but I did. I have endured chemo, with you as my role model of endurance. I have kept a positive mind, because you never complained. I have tried to be strong for my family as you were for yours. You have been my inspiration this past year Dad. Oh how I wish you were here and I could look into your eyes and tell you I am doing okay.


I have missed you so much. I know that telling mum one bit of bad news after another was made harder knowing that she had to hear it on her own. I was angry at times that you weren't able to be there for me as you had been for others, but Dad, I know that you would have been in a shot if it was down to you!!!


You have been my inspiration and my strength over the past year and a half. I have aspired to be like you in dealing with illness and pain, and I hope I have succeeded in a fraction of how you did.


I have realised again this past year how utterly confident I am that I will see you again .. that there is a heaven and you are there and you are waiting. When we thought it may be terminal, seeing you sooner was the one upside to it all! I cant wait Dad, it will be glorious! You showed me how to hold on to your faith when life goes completely wrong, you kept your eyes on God in your last days in the hospital (I will never forget your foot tapping to Songs of Praise!) and you never wavered. I haven't either Dad, I hope you are proud. I hope that I have done as well as you would have wanted me to.


Anyway, I am off, I wont be so long next time. And you know, just because I haven't been here, you have been in my thoughts everyday. I still ache that you are gone, but I know you are not far away. And I know that when we see each other again, it will be a party like no other. I adore you and thank you - for all that you were for me and to me, and to my family. You were the best and I love you and thank God for you.


Love you to the moon Dad xx

Father's day

It is Father's Day tomorrow. I started feeling the ache earlier today, and it has staeadily grown into an 'ouch', a stabbing pain in my heart - a real liver physical pain that makes me want to clutch my chest and curl into a tight ball. It is my fourth Fathers Day since he has been gone. I dont think it hurts less. I miss him more than ever - the tight squeeze, the wise words, the patient listening . . . actually it iis his physical presence - he was such a big personality - the room is just empty and flater because he is not in it. He has left such a huge hole for all of us.

I still haven't grieved, well not text book style (whatever that maybe!). I struggle to think about him, I still find I stumble over the words that say he haas died. I still bury the pain. I think I worry I haven't time too process it if I were to let it out. I am not sure I want to get through the  grief because it seemms to imply I will let go - and I want to cling on. 

I miss him, sooo much. My Dad was a rock. SO many things have happened and so many times when it would have been so good to talk to him, and he would have listened. He has not seen my amazing kids grow into even more amazing young adults. He has not ever known me as a teacher. 

Death sucks, it hurts and it rips away people that we still need. He should not have died then, he was not ready, we were not ready, it was so unfair.  

Dad, I am so sorry, i know you would have probably wanted me to handle this so much better, you would have been the voice of reason in this bog of grief. Forgive me, I just dont seem to be able to find the path that would lead me forward. 

I  Love & miss you to the moon Dad . . . X