It would be just so nice to say hi ...

It would be just so nice to be able to say hello and have you answer. It is a tough few days at the moment. I thought getting a new job was going to be easier than this. I remember how proud you were of me that I managed to get my degree all these years after dropping so spectacularly of high school. I even knew what career to go for - teaching. I cried the day I finished my teacher training with such sadness that you weren't around to say well done.

But now I would love to have a drop of the encouragement and wisdom you gave so easily. I am tired of feeling a complete loser - no one likes rejection and I am particularly lousy at taking it. I take it so personally with every 'no thanks' letter. We had such a rocky few years Dad but I had come to rely on you for making me feel that little bit better when things didn't go so well. It was so important to me that I make you feel proud ... perhaps after all the years where I made you feel so rotton ... it was time for payback!

Nothing in the world prepared me for walking without you. I wasn't ready for you to not be there. I dont think you were either. I know you weren't. Death is such a bummer. We both lost control of what should have happened .. not good for control freaks! I am so sorry you are gone.

I miss you to the moon ... and back, my lovely Dad
x

It has been too long. It was easier to say nothing than to open up. It still is. I wonder how many ways there are to deal with grief? I know there is no right or wrong way but mine has sometimes seemed down right weird!

For a long time I played 'let's pretend you are still alive'. Now I know you are not but I laid beautiful paving stones over the pain and have dissociated myself rather well. However I now want to reconnect, find you again and I dont know how. So ... I will write to you.

Forgive me for not doing this better. I know you would have expected me to handle this better than I have. I always liked the idea of when someone died keeping them alive by talking about them, remembering every little thing about them. But it hurt to even think about you so I stopped. Sorry. Know it is not a reflection of how little I love you but how much. But now, well I want you to be so much more than your death, and over the past year that is all I have reduced you to by avoiding everything you were.

So, who are you my lovely Dad? You were the best, but not perfect! You were my tight hugger, my place for wise words and my comforter. You were lovely and you loved me and knew me. I miss you.

So here I am - remembering once again. Looking at you, not turning away. Reaching out and inwards to grasp hold of you before I lose you. I wont let go again, I promise.

To the moon and back

Becky