Father's day

It is Father's Day tomorrow. I started feeling the ache earlier today, and it has staeadily grown into an 'ouch', a stabbing pain in my heart - a real liver physical pain that makes me want to clutch my chest and curl into a tight ball. It is my fourth Fathers Day since he has been gone. I dont think it hurts less. I miss him more than ever - the tight squeeze, the wise words, the patient listening . . . actually it iis his physical presence - he was such a big personality - the room is just empty and flater because he is not in it. He has left such a huge hole for all of us.

I still haven't grieved, well not text book style (whatever that maybe!). I struggle to think about him, I still find I stumble over the words that say he haas died. I still bury the pain. I think I worry I haven't time too process it if I were to let it out. I am not sure I want to get through the  grief because it seemms to imply I will let go - and I want to cling on. 

I miss him, sooo much. My Dad was a rock. SO many things have happened and so many times when it would have been so good to talk to him, and he would have listened. He has not seen my amazing kids grow into even more amazing young adults. He has not ever known me as a teacher. 

Death sucks, it hurts and it rips away people that we still need. He should not have died then, he was not ready, we were not ready, it was so unfair.  

Dad, I am so sorry, i know you would have probably wanted me to handle this so much better, you would have been the voice of reason in this bog of grief. Forgive me, I just dont seem to be able to find the path that would lead me forward. 

I  Love & miss you to the moon Dad . . . X