It has been too long. It was easier to say nothing than to open up. It still is. I wonder how many ways there are to deal with grief? I know there is no right or wrong way but mine has sometimes seemed down right weird!

For a long time I played 'let's pretend you are still alive'. Now I know you are not but I laid beautiful paving stones over the pain and have dissociated myself rather well. However I now want to reconnect, find you again and I dont know how. So ... I will write to you.

Forgive me for not doing this better. I know you would have expected me to handle this better than I have. I always liked the idea of when someone died keeping them alive by talking about them, remembering every little thing about them. But it hurt to even think about you so I stopped. Sorry. Know it is not a reflection of how little I love you but how much. But now, well I want you to be so much more than your death, and over the past year that is all I have reduced you to by avoiding everything you were.

So, who are you my lovely Dad? You were the best, but not perfect! You were my tight hugger, my place for wise words and my comforter. You were lovely and you loved me and knew me. I miss you.

So here I am - remembering once again. Looking at you, not turning away. Reaching out and inwards to grasp hold of you before I lose you. I wont let go again, I promise.

To the moon and back

Becky