Well, we are off on holiday tomorrow. WE are taking Mum with us and going to COrnwall for a week. It is funny how the thought of it causes this pain in my chest. It is because we have been there so often before and several of those times with you. I keep imagining the places we will visit with you in the photos ... but mising this time. How can it be? How can it be that you are gone and we are holidaying without you? You would have thought I would have gotten used to this by now, but I still cant believe you are gone. It is like a record stuck, stuttering 'no, you cant be gone' over and over.
I am sorry because I feel that my lousy grieving skills must be driving you nuts! You would have wanted me to do this so much better. You would want us to be at the celebrating you life part by now but I still cant accept the bit about you being dead yet. Did you ever have any idea at the sheer magnitude of the hole you were going leave behind? I doubt it because you never really saw yourself as others did.
I will miss you, your terrible jokes, your organisation, your mediation skills and your driving. Most of all I will miss you being there, just there, to laugh with and putting the world to rights with.
i love you my lovely dad ... thank you for all you were ... and are still.
Becky
xxx
Becky, I have learned there is not a right or wrong way to grieve the lost of a dear loved one because it isn't something you can ever prepare for whether it is something that is drawn out over a period of time or a sudden loss. From the sound of your writings, your Dad would be very proud of the way you are handling things as he seemed to be a very loving and reasonable person who was there for you anytime you needed him. And it appears in some way, he is there for you now. I know it isn't in the same way though. I imagine if things were reversed, there would be a huge hole left for him if you were gone though and he wouldn't know what to do either. He would be reaching out to understand the loss of his child. Death is just something we aren't able to understand and I guess we aren't supposed to as we are humans and we are made to need love and give love but really not just let it go. The lost of a loved one is not something that is supposed to be understandable or easy. We just learn to cope with the loss and live each day dealing with it. Coping and dealing becomes more of a part of our everyday life.
ReplyDeleteI hope journaling somehow does help though and I think the idea of your journaling to your dad is of comfort.
I will follow your blog.
Tracy Solomon
Thank you for following my blog because through that, you introduced me to your own. I just wanted to say that I think these conversations with your father are a wonderful thing. It's beautiful, the way you've found to keep him alive through your writings. God bless you and your family and that lovely father of yours. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for following my blog!
ReplyDeleteI love the way you value your family and your dad. :) God bless. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLuP-4ZEhOE
ReplyDeletehey becky,
ReplyDeleteits so good to see you can steal find a way to connect with ur daddy.
its such a beautiful thing :)
i experienced death for the first time about 6 months sgo, when my good friend died. i couldnt deal, still cant. some days are easy, some days arent. atleast you can think good thoughts about your daddy and even have the stenght to write such lovely stories :) i too hope the pain will pass.
I lost my father unexpectantly in january 2009. I'm still greiving. Just keep pouring out your heart. Its a wonderful way to remember him. Your Father must have been a good, strong man. He looks so dignified in his picture. I actually started a website to honor my Dad called www.simpledykie.com. If you go to the site you'll see a remembrance card I had made up which I gave out to relatives.Good luck and God Bless.
ReplyDelete