I am sorry. It is not that I haven't thought of you ... I do, every day. But I just haven't been able to talk to you. You see, I don't think that I have handled this grief thing at all well. If you were to be sitting at home right now it would not surprise me.
How is it that nearly three years on I have failed to process what has happened? I do anything to avoid talking about you, looking at your photo, the pain is just so bad that I have shut it off, pretending that you are not really gone at all. And yet, I wish I could move beyond this state of suspended feelings. You were oh so much more that the last few weeks, you have a whole life that I need to acknowledge and celebrate, to share with everyone, to smile at all the fantastic memories.
So I am back. I want to grieve for you my lovely dad. I want to deal with the fact that you are gone ... for now, walking a different path to me, till we meet again. Because I want to move on, and shutting the pain and grief into a little box and squashing the lid down so firmly is not good. I can hear you telling me not to be such a twit and I know that you would want me to be dealing with this so much better.
Happy birthday for last week. To be honest I was glad to miss the big picnic. It was nice to visit where we put your ashes. It is beautiful, it was quiet. I took Mum up. You must be so proud of how she is doing, but it is so hard for her. You not being there was never an option and I think she still feels it is all so unfair. But it was good to go.
I love you. And I miss you. Every day. We really weren't ready, were we. Do you know how often I close my eyes and pretend I can feel you giving me a hug, a tight firm reassuring hug that only you can give. Do you know how much I miss your wisdom, you were our rock.
Anyway, I will be back soon, I must because eventually we will get to the real stuff and I can move on. I love you to the moon . . . .
x
Becky: I see so much of myself in your post. I understand. I was where you are just a few weeks ago. I understand because I still go back there. I wasn't ready for my mom to leave me. I was just starting to have a real mother-daughter relationship with her, for the first time in my life, when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don't understand why she was taken from me so soon. But I know what it is like to lose someone so special that your heart aches with loss. Talk to me because I understand. Let yourself begin to grieve, little by little, and at the same time remember your dad's love. Letting out your feelings doesn't mean you're letting go and that is something that took me so long to learn. I think of my mom every day and I miss her more than I can describe in words, more than I ever thought I could. She is alive in my heart, always. I will never stop loving her or forget all that my mom did for me. She left a permanent imprint on my life. I understand and I am here for you if you ever want to talk.
ReplyDeleteLove, Kathy
Thank you Kathy. Your blog just resonated so much with me when I read it. It is helpful to find someone on a similar journey. I am tired of the expectation that I am 'over it' and 'really, is it such a big deal?' attitudes.
ReplyDeleteI am tired but I am trying to give myself time to work through this a little.
Thanks so much
x