Maybe it is time to say goodbye...

I was reading on someone else's blog and an interesting thought struck me . . . I don't think that I have actually said goodbye to you. I am continuing life as if you have simply popped out and could be back any time soon. I have certainly not let you go, and if I am honest I really don't want to, as if, in letting you go I would be failing you, loving you less. And yet, I can see that in letting you go I will be able to love you so much more. I would be able to remember you and talk about you and be grateful for all you were and the love we shared. Instead i am just so bitterly disappointed that you are not here and yet you should be.

I have also learnt that perhaps I need to make myself remember you, remember the good things. And that must surely be better that trying to block everything out because it just hurts to damn much. A living real memory and joy has to be better than blanking your photos and refusing to go there in my mind in case I can't bare it.

You know Dad, I am a teacher now. You knew I got my degree but you never knew I actually made it to my dream. I love it. I don't love the hours but I love my days, my class. I wish oh wish you could have shared in it because I have so missed you being proud of me.

I love you to the moon . . . and I am grateful to summer holidays where I have time to think.

x